This is a pretty simple site composed of questions running through my head and my own bizzare way of answering. If you have a question you would like addressed by me in my peculiar way, just leave a comment on any post and I’ll get to it ASAP. For more information about this blog, check out the page The Big Bang Theory here.
Posted in Grab Bag | Tagged intro post | Leave a Comment »
If what’s going on now is such a big deal, why is that none of the teenagers I know really care about it?
Song: “Trust Me” by The Fray
We’re only taking turns,
holding this world.
It’s how it’s always been;
when you’re older you will understand.
Quote: “The very essence of leadership is that you have to have vision. You can’t blow an uncertain trumpet.” Theodore M. Hesburgh
I need to stop reading articles.
The more I read, the more…oblique and negative my thoughts become.
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So I read this from the NY Times. While it is an opinion column, it makes me question and think. This depression – this slump – it’s a big issue. But it is it really another great depression?
A lot of numbers and charts I’ve seen are indicative of some similarities. Similarities that really make me wonder and contemplate. Somewhere in the back of my mind I suppose I should be worried about the people suffering, but most of my thoughts revolve continually around the theoretical concepts of this depression.
Mainly, reactions to it. A lot of my classmates don’t care nor give a second thought about this issue in our economy right now. And frankly, since it doesn’t affect me directly (at least not that I’m aware of) I don’t take it so seriously either. I don’t like to say that, but it is true. The interesting part about this mess, is that we’re living through an interesting time in history – something that our children will be looking at in their classes bored out of their mind to be reading. (Or given some children’s mind set, interested in reading.) This is the stuff that goes in text books and people right essays about.
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What will be said of us in these books in a few years? There was a war, an unpopular war that was supposed to be over quick, but lasted long – way too long. There was an attack on our country, there was a sweep of fear for terrorism. There were people and companies who made greedy decisions. There was an economic collapse. The very first African American president was elected. There was a bailout package and a stimulus bill that citizens shall be paying for for quite awhile. There are all these things going on, and I’ve never cared to understand or fully realize that I’m living the history I read. It’s not just a story felt and seen only in pages, but a life that breathes and will itself come to pass. All those people we read about in history, were real people, and in the time they made their decisions they never expected never truly grasped that they were the books of the future.
The decisions we make now will be judged and critiqued by others in the future.
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The closest 19th-century parallel I can find to the current slump is the recession that followed the Panic of 1873. That recession did eventually end without any government intervention, but it lasted more than five years, and another prolonged recession followed just three years later.
– Paul Krugman, NY Times, Who’ll Stop the Pain?
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How will we handle his? How will others judge our choices? And what, knowing and living all this, will we as people do to change the world when we take over for our mothers and fathers?
Choices by hollowwinds
The world is a large family, and every child will take the reins given by their ancestors. Different reins – doctors, politicians, electricians… We are all interconnected and we all play a role in the shaping of the world – but unlike our forefathers who responded to governmental issues with rage and activity what are we doing?
We are ignoring.
We are silent, but by choice.
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We are not like the young during the Vietnam War, we are not the counterculture. Our voices are not heard, and in fact, there are many out there who do not care. This is not our fight, this is not our war. But will we ever decide to pick our fight, to pick our war? Will we ever take the direction this country needs?
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Perhaps I’m being overly paranoid. But I’m in a class of high school students that are supposed to be the best and the brightest. And I see no evidence of that. I see no reactions, I see no determination, I see no outcry, no involvement, no preoccupation with our country and the events within it.
I don’t even see it coming from myself.
If this is our great depression, if this is our Vietnam, then we as young adults have done nothing to prove our worth in inheriting the globe. What is making this change?
We are different and we have ideals, but do we care enough politically? Do we care enough about the government? Will anything makes us care at this age?
Posted in Fork in the Road, ID | Tagged anger, choices, economy, government, growing up, history, teenagers | Leave a Comment »
What the HELL is WRONG with everybody?
Song: “Perfect World” by Indigo Girls
We’re floating we’re swimming
And at this moment we are forgetting
What we caused what it takes
The one perfect world when we look the other way
Quote: “What you don’t do can be a destructive force.” Eleanor Roosevelt
Alright, so maybe that question is entirely unfair.
Maybe everybody is so fucked up that they need to get their damn head checked and just slapped until sense creeps into their thick freaking skulls. My family is NOT open. Not by any means. They don’t share and bottle secrets up within them REALLY tight. They don’t speak. Well, okay, fine and dandy, but when this stupidity reaches their children, THEN I GET FUCKING PISSED.
It’s alright if you don’t care about yourself, but when there are signs
WHEN THERE ARE FUCKING SIGNS
That your child needs help, and you not only hear about them but see them, then QUIT PRETENDING LIKE EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY, and take action. Be selfish with your own secrets. Be selfish with your own desires. BUT DON’T FUCK WITH YOUR KIDS’ LIVES!
"Don't have a problem" by psivamp
Just don’t!
They need help, give them help.
Fuck, just…why does everyone have to pretend they’re so grown up? People have problems, admit it, accept it, and do what you can to make things right. Stop trying to sweep things under the rug and ACT like you’re the king of the world, stop trying to act like you’re an adult, and ADMIT you don’t know how to swim in this giant fucking pool. There are people who can help, whether it’s your family, your friends, or a paid professional.
STOP PRETENDING and do what is necessary. Stop acting adult, and actually be an adult.
IT takes a real person to swallow up fear, pride, and ego to take the first step of humility. That’s all adulthood is, swallowing up your fear and moving forward with confidence. Dammit, this is not just your life you’re fucking up.
It’s the lives of others.
I hate being a kid in this world, because sometimes I feel like I already know more than those idiot adults in my family. And when I know more and my VOICE DOESN’T COUNT, where does that leave me?
They need help.
Just admit it and work for it.
Please.
It’s not just your life you’re fucking up.
Posted in Bloodlines, Fork in the Road, Rose Colored Glasses, Ten-Foot Pole | Tagged adults, anger, children, family, fix, help, hurt, issues, leave home | Leave a Comment »
Why is that sometimes I feel helpless?
Quote: “When a defining moment comes along, you can do one of two things. Define the moment, or let the moment define you.” “Tin Cup” by Kevin Costner
Song: “I Want to Save You” by Something Corporate
I want to save you
I want to save you
I need you
save me too
I want to save you
(let me save you)
I want to save you
(let me save you)
"Reflet" by Etoile06
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I don’t like it when someone is hurt, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. Why is this? Why can’t I fix it? Why do I need to fix it?
I don’t know, but I know that when someone is hurting, whether it’s inner of physical pain, I want to go to them, wrap them in a cocoon of safety and comfort. I want to kiss the wound better and make it all go away. But I can’t make it all go away; I can’t just wave my hands and make life happily-ever-after for everybody. Some people are in real pain and it really, really hurts and sucks. I wish to death that I could do something. That I could just – but I can’t.
And now there are tears in my eyes because I can’t make it better. I want to cry and it hurts.
This is why I want to be a psychiatrist. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had experiences like this. I’m confronted with others’ pain and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make it better. I want to be able to be the one people can talk to and will listen. The person who’s gone through things to learn more or less what people are like and how to if not take away the pain, then mute it. I want to help people so that they don’t hurt. So that their problems aren’t hanging in the air and no one can help.
I want to be that person.
Even if being that person, may sap out my positive energy. If I have made someone feel better, then everything in the world is worth it.
EVERYTHING.
Posted in Rose Colored Glasses | Tagged fix, hurt, pain, psychiatrist | Leave a Comment »
So when it comes to college, how do you know that the place is the right place? Since when do you shove a kid in a store and say pick something – only one thing and remember, what you choose now will forever shape your life? Is all college a cookie cut-out that meshes to feet each person like a stretchy glove? What does the whole thing mean?
Song: “College Kids” Relient K
someone please save us, us college kids!
what my parents told me is what I did
they said go to school and be a college kid
but in the end I question why I diddo what will make God happy
do what you feel is right
only but one thing matters
learn how to live your lifeQuote: Each of us may think we know exactly what we need to make us happy, what will be good for us, what will ensure we have our happy ending, but life rarely works out in the way we expect, and our happy ending may have all sorts of unexpected twists and turns, be shaped in all sorts of unexpected ways.
Jane Green, “Mr. Maybe”
So we begin again with another college related post.
My issues with college – with universities aren’t so much of what they offer and what they don’t offer, but that I feel like a pig on sale and sometimes I feel like I’m the farmer surveying the pigs. What the hell is this? Granted, going to university is probably that pivotal point in a child’s life because it is then that you can finally make your own decisions, but why are there so many piggies out there to choose from? Why are there so many farmers willing to buy?
"Ribbons II" by kaydence maclaren
One with a pink tie.
One with a blue ribbon.
One with a pretty smile.
One with a shiny eye.
It’s irritating how many universities there are out there and how many fliers, postcards, and viewbooks I get showing me why their university is the right one for me. Well, howdy do, but, I don’t even know what university is right for me. I don’t know what I want or where I want but that I want something. Something tangible that isn’t altogether defined for me. If I could just look inside my head and figure out which way my internal compass was pointing I would be greatly pleased. But, alas, that is not the case. Not even close. Instead I’m flipping and flapping amid papers, admissions recruiters, GPAs, SATs, ACTs, and money.
Somehow it’s all MONEY. I don’t let something silly as green paper impede me, but there’s all these numbers on papers that make me question things.
Alright, so here’s how I stand.
There are many colleges.
And I sort of know what I want.
But how do I know which college is the one that I need?
I talked to an admissions officer today that said the minute she stepped on her campus she just knew. My question, is it always like that? I’ve visited the University of Rochester, which is at current, occupying slot number one on my list. When I reached Rochester I remember feeling giddy and ‘this is it’. (I was there for a leadership program by the way). I remember being transfixed by the green and the water and the campus itself. I remember stepping onto the grounds and…and…liking it. Liking it a lot. But when I went I wasn’t there to scope out a future home, but to enjoy myself. And I knew I would enjoy it. When I was leaving, I felt a little sad for doing so, and even though home was miles away (all the way in the southwest) it didn’t feel far away at all. It felt nice and clam and loving.
Is that what you feel when you hit the right Uni? Is that the feeling?
The first time I heard about Rochester I gushed out loud and swooned like some lovesick girl in the cartoons. I couldn’t stop gushing for days, but my friends didn’t quite understand my enthusiasm. They still don’t understand my enthusiasm.
I don’t understand my enthusiasm.
This whole decision process is irksome.
"College" by lainey foo
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m saying that we should have this right revoked and be shipped off to the Uni nearest home, but…it’s just difficult to have to flounder about like a fish out of water trying to learn to breathe.
Sometimes, I even imagine that all colleges are the same damn thing. Only some are bigger and some have more majors. Maybe these colleges all come pre-wrapped and packed and all the admissions officers do is dust them off put them in the building of their choice and take photos for us to gush over. Where’s the heart in all this process?
Very few colleges have talked with heart to me.
Once, I met with a rep and I got the distinct impression that she was telling me ‘Yes, my college is great. But don’t talk about that. Don’t do that. We are boss. [the college] knows what’s best for you. Don’t fret.’ I hate being treated like that. Thanks, but to me college is an experience of self-discovery. It’s a time when I can be on my own and survive consequences be dammed.
But that’s just my interpretation. What does the whole thing mean?
It means more books.
More facts.
More classes.
More money.
More something and nothing.
And perhaps, maybe something we all need. Something we need to be able to finally stand on our two feet. Momma birds push their babies out of the nest so that they’ll learn to fly. Perhaps, this is the push we need so we can learn to fly.
So it’s more of a spiritual journey than an academic one.
It’s more a personal alteration than buying a prize pig.
You’re really buying the personality of the pig.
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That being said. I’m not too fond of the ivies. I see them as universities that are tied up with a pretty bow and nametag. They are the brand names in education.
I’ve always hated brand names.
I can get something just as good – a lot of the times even better – from an unknown source.
Posted in Cookie Cut-Out, Fork in the Road, Rose Colored Glasses | Tagged admissions officers, Ivies, Rochester U, University | 1 Comment »
Why do I bother to do that which others won’t do? When do you become a leader? Is leadership a principle you’re born with, or a point you decide to step up during when you just can’t take the crap anymore?
Song: “Trust Me” The Fray
We’re only taking turns
Holding this world
It’s how it’s always been
When you’re older you will understand
Quote: I am a man of fixed and unbending principles, the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
~Everett Dirkson
So, my feet are aching, my eyes are burning, and my head feels a bit lofty.
I sort of miss the old days. When I was just a kid who didn’t bother.
When did that change? Oh, right, when I stopped blending into the wall.
"Footsteps" by Nullermanden
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Let’s look at the concept underlying this principle. Ever thought that the person running your club/school/class was an idiot? Ever just growl about the utter nonsense circulating around you and think ‘Wow, who bothers with this shit?’ Now, of course, there are two routes in this situation. One is to just quit caring and simply let it run to the ground. The other one is to stand up and take life by the reins and do what you want with it.
The question being, when do you hit this time. When does something bother you so much that you have to stand the hell up and say what you have to say?
For me it’s hypocrisy and liars. Nothing pisses me off more than someone saying they will do something and never doing something or someone preaching one thing and not doing it anyway. I can’t stand people like that because then I feel like not only am I being ignored, but I’m taking advantage of. Worse so is the position where people are doing this to someone more than just myself. If it were only me, I would probably leave and never look back – but when NO ONE CARES, I have to stick my feet to the floor swallow my joys of relaxation and nothingness and do and be the person I always wished would BE THERE.
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So when I think of this, and I think of the clubs I’m in, I realize that over time, that’s all I have been doing. I’ve been taking steps to be the person I want to see, because I know it sucks for other people NOT TO HAVE THAT PERSON. So what does that make me? Does that make me the production of other human beings? Does that mean I’m not myself?
Or does that bring about a more peculiar and interesting topic: that everyone is born to be NOTHING, but will become EVERYTHING SHE WANTS TO SEE so that she will see it. (Or, you know, he). We are a caste of the missing expectations in society. The difference is that we find different triggers and different cliques so that the qualities manifest themselves in a different matter. And those with a higher endurance and resistance to change will try to ignore the bothersome and missing qualities longer – only to be pushed into a role by those around them.
So one becomes that leader – or one shapes that leader. One changes to the person they want to see – or they change enough so they can support someone they want to see. We are the product of each other’s wishes and annoyances. We are mirrors of each other’s soul.
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So in that matter, who we are, is EVERBODY. And who we aren’t is ourselves.
We are everything and nothing at the same time.
We could not have a more complex role.
Posted in CandyKind, Cookie Cut-Out, ID | Tagged clubs, hyposcrisy, leadership, liars, mirrors | Leave a Comment »
Why does our society insist on creating a separation among politics? Why, furthermore, does it seem as if no one is really giving much importance to what is A VERY important issue: the president of the United States? Are we an ignorant herd of sheep, or a group of intellectual people?
Song: “Waiting on the World to Change” John Mayer
Me and all my friends
we’re all misunderstood
they say we stand for nothing and
there’s no way we ever could
now we see everything that’s going wrong
with the world and those who lead it
we just feel like we don’t have the means
to rise above and beat it
Quote (Two today):
“Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.” – George Jean Nathan
“Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.” – Douglas Adams
Alright, so today has been an incredibly stressful day; not in the strictest sense of being bombarded with work or emotional difficulties, but in the sense that I began to feel like the world I was living in was rather, well to be blunt, stupid. Let me explain.
It started simply, in my history class. I was reading a book, tuning out most of the conversation around me (it wasn’t centered around teaching this time, rather we were waiting for something initiated by the school – not important to the issue) when I noticed the conversation had turned to politics. Then, I became naturally intrigued. Most politicians seem a right annoyance to me and I don’t tend to agree with any of them, but the concept of politics greatly interests me. I suppose it’s the fact that politics is well the field in which the leaders of our world dominate and the very field we elect them into. So, I deviated from reading to listening to the conversation taking place with my teacher and a few students. He was inquiring as to whether we could vote and whom it was we would vote for.
That’s when I started feeling sorry, well sorry wouldn’t be the correct term – embarrassed would probably be more accurate – of my generation.
Silly answers like “Because he’s a republican.” (McCain)
“Because his name is in a song.” (Obama, I’ve already forgotten the name of said song, although I wish I recalled.)
“Because he’s a democrat.” (Obama)
Upon further prodding upon why the parties mattered, one particular guy bothered me immensely.
He said he didn’t like democratic ideals.
Fine, I was still okay with it at that point. Disagreed with the grouping thing, but fair enough.
When asked what ideals he didn’t like, he flustered and floundered until it was evident he didn’t know WHAT ideals he so opposed.
When asked about republican ideals he liked, the best response he could give is that republicans were pro-war. That is all he knew about republicans. That was the extent of his knowledge on political parties!
And then things started getting stupid (or should I say stupider?) and there was talk about Palin. Fine. Again, I was okay with it. The con arguments though proved to be limited to her child and her pregnant teenage daughter. What does that even have to do with anything!? So her daughter is pregnant, I don’t understand how that has ANYTHING to do with her policies.
"Follower" by broken-prince --- posted on deviantArt
So this brings me to my current problems –
WHY ON EARTH ARE WE AMERICANS SO UNDEREDUCATED ABOUT THE POTENTIAL LEADERS OF OUR COUNTRY? WHY WILL WE PROMOTE A CANDIDATE WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT THEY STAND FOR AND WHAT THEY ADVOCATE? WHY DO WE WANT TO VOTE WHEN WE DON’T KNOW HOW IMPORTANT VOTING IS?
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Another thing, I forgot to mention. A guy stupidly mentioned that he could vote so he wanted to vote “Meh, just because.” And as such he would just vote republican because, and I quote “Fuck it.”
When did it come to the fact that we were no longer just staunch supports of democrats and republicans, but it went so far as to that, we ARE REPUBLICAN/DEMOCRAT AND DON’T KNOW WHAT WE STAND FOR?! Are we become a brainwashed nation, so that one day we’ll hold grudges against each other (parties) and never know what the hell it meant to begin with? Why do we do this? Why do we not bother to look for information?!
Are we too lazy?
Is it too hard to find a credible bipartisan source?
Are we too manipulated by the masses?
Do we not realize that by voting we are electing a leader?
What I don’t understand is how someone can treat voting as child’s play. It is not a game and it is not something you choose willy-nilly. Voting is a means to choose who leads you, who represents you, who makes the MAJOR DECISIONS about the country for you. You aren’t picking a guy to sit on a chair whose name you’ll have to remember years down the line. You’re not picking the guy from your team just so you can say ‘yep, he’s one of mine’. YOU ARE PICKING A PERSON WHO WILL HAVE TO BE IN CHARGE.
I think very few people understand nowadays what it means to be in charge. It isn’t easy and it isn’t something you can just up and learn like that. It’s a tough job – one that people may hate you for in the future. One that will be a burden to you. ONE THAT REQUIRES YOU TO BE BETTER THAN YOU ARE, NOT BECAUSE IT IS A SUPERHUMAN JOB, BUT BECAUSE YOU ARE A ROLE MODEL. Being leader isn’t about fame or popularity. Being leader is about being better than the people around you – being better than yourself. It’s sacrificing so much in return to care for the country.
Yeah, that view totally sucks. It sucks to think that way, and I think very few people do anymore, but that’s the way it is – the damn way it should be, dammit! And nobody cares anymore.
We aren’t a country of independent thinkers. We’re a mindless pack of sheep, or feet stuck the carpet of a particular color. And while we know we could just tug a little bit to be free, well, we’ve been glued there for so long we might as well stay. Does it matter if we leave? Does it matter if a lion is approaching us? Especially when it could follow us just as easy even if we move?
Yeah, so politics sucks. Leading sucks. And choice making sucks.
But it’s our damned responsibility – it’s important, and the American public needs to realize this.
There, rant over.
Posted in Cookie Cut-Out, Rose Colored Glasses | Tagged choices, elections, important, leader, president, voting | Leave a Comment »
What does the media do for and to the American public and how trustworthy is the entire concept? And more importantly, who’s running the show?
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Song: “Waiting” Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Waiting for this life to change seems like it’s taking me forever
and I can’t hold on. This light is breaking into the day
This life is going to change seems like it’s taking me forever
And I can’t hold on. This light is breaking into the day
Quote: “The corporate grip on opinion in the United States is one of the wonders of the Western world. No First World country has ever managed to eliminate so entirely from its media all objectivity – much less dissent.”
- Gore Vidal
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What with the elections, and my ToK class (specifically my ToK teacher), I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the candidates and the media. I’d of course noticed it before, how certain things were blown up and reported until one got sick of them and other issues were tossed to the side. It almost always seems that the blown up issues are the rather trivial ones or ones that hold little to no foundation in truth.
Posted by Polymer on DeviantArt. Picture taken by Mike Simons
Let’s look specifically at Sarah Palin as an example.
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You ask someone about Sarah Plain and what they think of her and it seems one of the first things that comes out of person’s mouth is about the her pregnant daughter, her many children, the youngest child she opted to have despite warnings of what the child would have to endure. It’s almost as if we’re being informed of a celebrity rather than a potential leader of our country. When did the American public become satisfied with such irrelevant gossip in choosing the leaders of our government? Has it always been this way and this is truly the first time I’ve ever paid any mind to politics?
I suppose that could be verily true. Since I am reaching the age wherein I will finally be allowed to vote I’m starting to pay attention to those in charge of our country and the decisions made by them and what leads us where. It’s a shame I can’t vote for the presidential candidates. I would still need four months after November before I can vote.
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So if we are to continue on this train of thought and society is pushing familial issues and donation issues rather than the actual issues, then that seems to imply a current of manipulation. They focus on subjects and exploit them in such a manner that will upset and enrage voters without actually involving them in the real issues. So is the media electing our officials?
If so, who is running the entire concept and what makes them so sure that their choice is the right choice?
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Or is it simply this, is this an attempt by the media to lure in the younger voters of my generation that seem more interested in reality TV and celebrities than the undercurrent of our country?
Posted in Fork in the Road | Tagged 2008 elections, media, Sarah Palin, ToK, voting | Leave a Comment »
Song: “Numb” by Linkin Park
but I know
I may end up failing too
but I know
you were just like me
with someone disappointed in youQuote: “We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.”
–Orson Wells
"Puppet Theatre" by ~BloodSorceress
And pulled I am, and pulled I feel,
Out of all the people in your life, who is it that is manning you behind the scenes? I’m not questioning the people of the world’s ability to man their own lives, but doesn’t it ever seem that you feel like someone is controlling you behind the scenes? They do what they want, and it may not be done at the expense of you since they don’t know they even hold an impact at all, but every word hangs like a precious gossamer from the tip of their tongue and we devour it with relish or swallow it in disdain.
What am I talking about?
The people we love of course. We’ll do a lot of things for them and stomach quite a lot for and because of them. The matter is, their opinion matters and eve when they undermine your own – intentionally or unintentionally, it’s not altogether hard to suck in the air through your teeth and let it go, because somewhere you’re not mad. Not really. You’re annoyed, but not mad. Perhaps a little disappointed that they didn’t understand the concept or more so that they didn’t understand you. So you just let things go and it’s almost like they’ve manipulated you in a sort. Now, you won’t stop doing what you want because of a slight, but it’s a pull to your brain and a dab to your ego so maybe you’re a little hurt inside.
Just a little.
So what does that mean? Well, for one it strikes the curiosity as to why we want people to know who we are. Does it matter if someone can understand the whizzing mechanics underneath the clotted mess of hair, skin, blood and bone? It does simply for the fact that somewhere along the way we all end up feeling alone. This is only because we are left with our own thoughts, fears, and insecurities. Things we lock away and discuss in our own mind, but never do we discuss them all out loud. This leads to a feeling of emptiness since no one else talks about it either and we’re just running in circles inside our head because of social etiquette and finesse. The loneliness doesn’t stop progress, but speeds it along. It is because of this emptiness that we try to find a soul compatible with ours. One we can share most everything if not everything with. Do I believe soul mates or soul friendships exist? Well, that a topic for a different debate for the current, if we do find them then perhaps things get easier. But in the meantime, we have those we love and cherish, but that we feel don’t always get things – don’t understand our own head. And that’s upsetting. Even if these compatible souls exist, I think the same loneliness always prevails because there’s always something somebody misses and you feel like an freak. We’re all human and separate and let little things and tiffs strike us because we want to be closer to another.
We want to bond and from this we can become a puppet on a string. Which is particularly ironic because what does that imply? We’re puppets moved about by strings which are controlled by other puppets? So whether we feel moved and pushed our influence is also felt somewhere else so that our impact on the world is not solely limited to that of our own person.
Hm…Is that right?
Posted in CandyKind, ID | Tagged anger, frienship, lonely, puppet | Leave a Comment »
Song: “It’s On” Superchick
And no matter how you feel, it’s what you do that matters…
Today’s your day. It’s on!
Quote: “Adventure must start with running away from home.”
– William Bolitho
So, I’m supposed to be reading The Structure of Scientific Revolutions by Thomas Khunn right now. It’s 200 pages long and I’ve only gotten past twenty-five right now. But I can’t bring myself to think at the moment because I’m bothered by incessant thoughts of insanity.
Since I’m not sure what’s bothering me, let me just start a stream of consciousness writing. I’m heading off to college sometime soon. A year(ish) to be exact. So, I will be leaving home to head off somewhere to a place of higher learning so that I can eventually get a better job and do everything I want to do and be everything I want to be.
"Hallway Blur" by Jenni/StarlitTaint
So what’s college for anyway? An ritual I have to partake in so more jobs will want me? A giant step into adulthood? The first actual choice that will be entirely my own? The first steps in me controlling my own life myself? Why can’t I do all this home?
Do I even want to do this all at home?
Let’s see. Home. What does home mean? Home is a place you’re supposed to feel comfortable and happy and loved. I mean, my room, my house, my city is nice enough. It’s warm and it’s pretty(ish). My family is mostly grouped around here. Sometimes I can’t stand my family so that makes sense, but sometimes I love them a lot too. So, yeah. Here at home, I’m comfortable. I’m protected and I’m most definitely not in charge of my life.
That’s okay, right? A lot of people don’t take charge until they’re older. Much older. Which leads me to another problem, when do you get to that point. When do you stop saying “when I’m older” or “when I grow up” and actually hit the older mark, and the grown-up mark? When can you stop putting things off and doing what belongs to your own life?
In olden times girls would marry when they were fourteen, and they would already be working. The girls would stay with their family until they were shipped off, or at the very least stay in the same society. Then when marriage came around, you were under somebody else’s control.
But it was never something you picked. Then you could wait for it to come and it would come, you didn’t have to go looking for your destiny. It always came to you. It was never a matter of this or that, it was just wait and things will be.
So, now girls are faced with decisions, and what do a lot of them do? They get pregnant.
Wait, that doesn’t even matter to my current point. What matters is that I’m a teenager and I’m going to be leaving. I always wanted to leave, but now that it’s here I’m faced with an equilibrium of ‘what then’? What does leaving mean or what does leaving have to do with anything? Okay, I’m going to be gone and I’m going to do what I want and when I want it. Right? So… What the hell is bothering me?
Yeah, so I don’t want to leave. Part of me still wants to be sheltered, but I’ve got to learn to fly. I’ve done so well flying around the nest, but I’m never going to find out what is there unless I leave the nest…
That’s it.
WHO AM I?
I know who I am now. I know who I want to be. And I know what everything means to me.
But until this point, everything I am and everything I have been has been an extension of my parent’s lives. I learn from them, I love them, I try to be them. I am part of myself and part of my parents. I am what this city has made me. There is still A WHOLE OTHER CHUNK of myself hiding within the folds of my heart that I don’t think is quite ready to leave just yet. Why? Because, perhaps, the reason that a journey must be taken is because you don’t ever really know all of who you are until you have to be responsible for yourself. I love my parents and my siblings, but while they are there, my life is defined by them. I think it’s necessary to leave so that I can define my life outside of other people, so I could know once and for all who I truly am.
Maybe it’s THIS thought running through my mind that gives me the willies. Maybe it’s the idea that all along there has been a piece of me that I don’t know. Maybe I don’t want to know this piece? Perhaps that;s why sometimes people say that when you come back it isn’t the same. Maybe it’s not the same, or maybe you’re just not the same. Maybe you found what you hadn’t known was there before and you don’t even realize it anymore because it’s who you are!
Does this mean I think that my family and I will never coexist anymore? On the contrary, I think things will be different at first, but better because I’m no longer an intruder in a book that’s not my own. Now I am a visitor, an appreciator. An knower of their book and of my own.
Leaving doesn’t have to mean that I’m giving up on who I am and who I’ve been, but rather finding who I am without them.
I don’t think my family will ever stop being a huge part of my life, but they will no longer be my WHOLE life. I was born to do something with my time, and as scary as that is, my time is not defined by other people, but who I am instead.
So I’m sure plenty people never left their hometown for university, but do I think they reached who they were? Maybe, maybe not. If they never broke apart from old definitions of self, they could still be focused on what was instead of what is. Maybe it’s not.
Maybe this doesn’t mean anything to anyone but myself.
Even then, maybe it doesn’t even mean anything to myself either.
Maybe I’m just crazy.
Posted in Bloodlines, Fork in the Road, ID, Uncategorized | Tagged growing up, leave home, University | Leave a Comment »
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